The Oratario Amusia
A story for anyone who has yearned to join in, despite their talent.
Lucy Louise Lucinda McConnock
Played the gong in the Leeds Philharmonic;
A post she received through persistence and will
And not by hard practice or patience or skill;
But let’s not judge her too early or test her
Until we learn how she joined the orchestra.
For from a young age Lucy liked making noises -
Or what she called songs - in deafening voices.
Whatever the object she’d find in a room
She could not wait to break out into tune,
Or out of tune which was more often the case
Yes, she could be heard anytime anyplace.
With no thought for rhythm, beat or for key
She wailed and played like a tone-deaf banshee.
Never patient enough to learn the right tune
She’d make her own up and forget that as soon
And just when you’d thought that she surely must pause
Then Lucy would give half a dozen encores.
When she took lessons to learn the recorder
The teacher did try, but Lucy ignored her.
No music, just squeaking, no song, just a shout.
She made her teachers back fillings fall out
And instead of playing the “White Cliffs of Dover”
She made the school hamster fall into a coma.
No not for a moment could Lucy stay static
Her finger taps jarred and hums were erratic
Even her snores had irregular beats.
Her sneezes were flat as hospital sheets.
On one fateful day when young Lucy tried busking
The feedback was “awful” and “foul” and “disgusting”.
But unmoved by critics she sought a career
In bands, groups and choirs, she searched far and near,
But auditions fail if you can’t sing
Or follow the music and just make a din.
And her dream job, the one that obsessed her,
Was Lucy’s desire to join an orchestra.